Gold and Tin at the Olympics



SYDNEY, Australia - The Olympics ended Sunday. The final medals were decided. But here are my own winners and losers of the last few weeks. By the way, I am a purist. Only gold and tin.

Olympic Comeback

Gold: To out-of-retirement swimmers Jenny Thomson and Dara Torres. They came. They saw. They delivered.

Tin: To French track diva Marie-Jose Perec. She came. She saw. She ran away.

New Olympic Event

Gold: Triathlon. Every time you watch it, you think "grueling."

Tin: Trampoline. Every time you watch it, you think "gym class."

Spectator Event

Gold: Beach volleyball. No one's watching the ball.

Tin: Table tennis. No one can see the ball.

Endorsement Opportunities

Gold: Marion Jones. Every company in America would have her.

Tin: C.J. Hunter. Even the doughnut shop doesn't want him.

Olympic Excuse

Gold: Aussie boxer Bradley Hore, 18, who couldn't make weight because he'd grown two inches since qualifying.

Tin: The Kazakstan coach, nabbed with 15 vials of human growth hormone. He said it was for his baldness.

Olympic Quote

Gold: The Italian medalist who said before his drug test, "Cut me open. All you'll find is pasta and marinara sauce."

Tin: The Aussie walker who was disqualified 200 meters from winning her 20-kilometer race. When asked what she needed, she said, "A gun to shoot myself."

Shocking Moment

Gold: When Rulon Gardner, the unheralded Wyoming farm boy, beat the unbeatable "Siberian Bear," Alexandre Karelin, in Greco-Roman wrestling.

Tin: Finding out that they eat kangaroos down here - with barbecue sauce.

Olympic Sportsmanship

Gold: To taikwondo's Esther Kim, who sacrificed her spot so her best friend, Kay Poe, could go to these Olympics.

Tin: U.S. swimmer Amy Van Dyken. She spits in the lane of the opponent next to her. Yuck.

Olympic Spirit

Gold: Aguida Agalar, the marathoner from war-torn East Timor. Finished third-from-last - and still kissed the ground.

Tin: U.S. men's basketball team. Will finish first - and still lose interest.

Olympic State of Denial

Gold: C.J. Hunter

Tin: NBC

Most Photogenic Aussie

Gold: Pole vaulter Tatiana Grigorieva. Think Heather Locklear.

Tin: Long jumper Jai Taurima. Think Weird Al Yankovic.

Olympic Water Story

Gold: Eric Moussambani of Equatorial Guinea. He gave new meaning to the words "swim slow."

Tin: The sharks in Sydney Harbor. They gave new meaning to the words "swim fast."

Home Team Performance

Gold: Cathy Freeman, the 400 meters gold medalist, who helped unite her nation, black and white.

Tin: Whoever set the vault five centimeters too low. No wonder the gymnasts were black and blue.

Olympic Secret

Gold: To USA Track & Field, which hides its drug testing results better than Los Alamos hides its nuclear secrets.

Tin: NBC's delayed TV broadcast. I'll let you in on something: The Olympics actually ended last week. They just haven't been televised yet.

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The Ghostly Face

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

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October is...


October is... National Sarcastics Month

October is... National Apple Jack Month

October is... National Pickled Pepper Month

October 3 is... Virus Appreciation Day

October 6 is... Come and Take It Day

October 9 is... Moldy Cheese Day

October 12 is... Moment Of Frustration Scream Day

October 14 is... Be Bald and Free Day

October 16 is... Dictionary Day

October 17 is... Gaudy Day

October 21 is... Babbling Day

October 25 is... Punk For A Day Day

October 28 is... Plush Animal Lover's Day

October 29 is... Hermit Day

October 30 is... National Candy Corn Day

October 31 is... Halloween [A truly bizarre holiday.]

- Received from Mark Burhans,
a truely warped software developer

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Pills for Sleeping

A woman well into her eighties begged her doctor for birth-control pills so she could sleep better. The doctor refused her request, but she kept begging. Finally he gave in. A month later the woman returned and asked for more pills.

The doctor said, "Do they really help you sleep better? There's not one word in the literature about the sedative effect of this pill. How does it work for you?"

The old woman said, "In the morning I put one in my granddaughter's juice. I sleep like a log!"

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Blind Golf

A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!


PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?

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Pork vs Sex

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "It's better than pork, isn't it".

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New information regarding Firestone

Top TEN Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires

10. Safer than a Russian sub.

9. Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit.

8. Better than driving around on your axles, right?

7. Pop a set on your car today.

6. C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?

5. Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit.

4. Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something.

3. Best Blow Job In Town'

2. You can't recall a better tire.

And the number one rejected slogan for Firestone tires:

1. The perfect gift for your mother-in-law.

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